Costa Rica 003: the big 'ah-ha' moment

“It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision”

I’ve spent the last ten years in deep healing and deep inner work learning who I am, what I want, and deep deconditioning of all the societal bullshit + conditioning I no longer chose to carry. While my personal development journey began long before I met Tony Robbins, I have definitely done the most transformational work during his potent immersion trainings. 

I shared about my first experience with him, and have just wrapped up my fifth Tony event since 2019. These immersions are 50+ hours of content crammed into 4-6 days. One’s simple math may allude to average 10 hour days, but in this world there is a widely known mystery of “Tony Time”.

The start time is a loose suggestion and there is no end time, often leading to 13-17 hour days. Tony and his team over deliver time and time again, until the material is integrated with the deepest integrity. Over the last three years with Tony I have had the opportunity to learn from the worlds most brilliant minds and thought leaders in finance, health + wellness, business, personal development, psychology and spirituality. The list truly is humbling at the people I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Never in my life could I get this much value anywhere else in the world. 

I share this because the potency of these experiences make me SO grateful I bailed on the traditional psychology path I set out for in university. By my second semester I knew the traditional clinical track was far too limiting for me. In hindsight, walking away from my psychology degree was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Fast forward from that wild 18 year-old to today’s almost 34 year-old, I’d like to share my biggest breakthrough of the week. 

I made a list the other day of all the things I’ve accomplished, been though, and survived over the last three years alone. Not for the intention of a pity party, or any sort of whoa-is-me bullshit, but because awareness is the the most powerful part of healing. Everything from massive heartbreaks, wildly successful business ventures, losing my father, walking away from the man I thought I was going to marry, more heartbreaks, bidding farewell to my best friend, outgrowing my home, outgrowing my tribe, bearing witness to buried traumas, writing + publishing my first book, closing my family’s restaurant.. the list was heavy. Since meeting Tony + putting myself through my Reiki Master Training I have addressed all of those things, and done a shit ton of therapy, spiritual work, and personal development, but sitting here in the magical jungles of Costa Rica I began journaling about why I was still so fucking sad inside. 

I began peeling back the layers of the onion, thinking I’d found “the thing”, learning that wasn’t the thing, and peeling back the curtains even more. Here is what I’ve learned.. while I’ve processed so many of the aforementioned things, I kept playing the track back. I realized that I’ve processed all the PEOPLE, but never really let myself see the THING. In the beginning of 2019 I resigned from my three companies that I had co-created. I shared a lot about this in my first book, Unravel the Bulsh*t, but the part that I left out was what hit me now.. I never actually let myself feel the heartbreak of walking away from my babies - the companies I poured my blood, sweat and tears into. 

I’d addressed the relationship with my partner, and anger about certain situations I no longer had the fight to stand up for myself, but I’ve famously said, walking away from my team and my businesses broke my own damn heart. 

I’ve heard myself say it, but I never allowed myself the space to actually feel it - the complete heartbreak leaving something I loved more than anything I’ve ever loved before.

So this week in Wealth Mastery, working through our money stories I landed on the mother load.. I haven’t let myself succeed again because the last time I felt completely successful I ended up suicidal. 

So many people have a fear failure. I am absolute not afraid to fail. I have been deathly afraid to succeed. To me the risk of getting that low again scared the shit out of me! 

While absolutely not willing to get out of the arena, I also couldn’t figure out what the fuck this block was keeping me from thriving in my new businesses. 

My sister called me at the exact perfect moment after night three of Wealth Mastery and I lost it. Absolutely snapped. 

Hysterically crying to her on the phone, I admitted out loud for the first time I was still sooooo sad about leaving my babies. That night cracked me wide the fuck open! 

Here’s the thing about breakdowns, if you’re willing, they often lead to breakthroughs. 

What I learned is that it’s okay to be sad after making the right decision.

All this time I thought I had regret about my decision to walk away, even though I “knew” it was the right choice for me, when in reality I really did break my own heart. I’ve been SO sad about making the right decision. 

That. Is. Bananas.

But here’s the wild truth.. we are complex humans, with complex emotions. 

When we give ourselves space to actually feel, that can be really damn confusing! Trust me, coming from someone who used to have a firm “fuck your feelings” policy, feeling multiple feelings at one time is BONKERS to me!

But here we are.. wildly abundant souls, having these human experiences, with bonkers emotions of complexity and beauty. 

As my mother so elegantly told me, “happiness is not the absence of sadness.” 🥴🤯

So if you are feeling multiple feelings,

If you are feeling exhausted as fuck,

If you are just doin’ your damndest just to do this being human thing,

I see you.

I honor you. 

I love you.

yours in growth + healing, 

xo - M.  💚🙌🏼🌈🦥✨

p.s. if you enjoyed this blog post please drop me a love note over in my DMs to let me know 🥰  @unravelthebullshit

p.p.s. here is the link to my constantly growing Costa Rica photo album: https://www.icloud.com/sharedalbum/#B0U5oqs3qqLNkXq