“And am not writing cuz i don’t want to tell anyone I’m feeling like a mess..” an actual text message I just sent.
Morgan, Let’s get one thing out of the way, which I already know that you know about me, but I need to hear it for myself - I am also just a human.
One of my biggest weaknesses in life is scoffing at the idea of being human. Why do I do this? I have so much compassion for everyone else, yes expect myself to be super human?! Yes. Yes I do. 🥴
That’s uncomfortable to say out loud, but it really is my truth. I put SO much pressure on myself to be great all the time, but that is literally impossible and so unrealistic. The most frustrating part is that I “know” this intellectually, but when I am not 150% I start spiraling into a pity party and major imposter syndrome. THEN when I recognize I’m doing it, I get so angry and annoyed with myself for being so ridiculous that I spiral even deeper. It’s a viscous cycle y’all, but it’s real.
So the god honest truth is, I haven’t been writing you because I don’t want to tell anyone that I’m feeling like a mess.
These first few weeks in Costa Rica have been a fucking ROLLERCOASTER!!
I don’t even think I’ve shared my intentions for my first two months in Costa Rica with you yet..
First month (April 28 - May 26) in a solo jungle house, with no car, and really just be with nature. Really allow myself to process, feel, create + BE.
Second month (May 26 - June 30) I’m moving to a huge jungle mansion to invite you all to come experience Costa Rica with me! I’ve rented a gorgeous home on a mountain, with an infinity pool and 5 beds and am allowing you to join me for as long as you’d like, any dates that you’d like!!! Rather than coordinating a week that works for everyone, I’ve opened my home for the entire 5 weeks I’ll be there. This is totally donation based and probably the deal of a lifetime because I will literally coordinate all of the travel and logistics to get you there, feed you, and create an epic experience for you!
So those are my intentions thus far for this time in Costa Rica 💖 that being said, I am receiving exactly what I asked for here in my little jungle cabin this first month. I have been doing lots of reading, lots of crying, lots of sitting on my porch staring at the trees. I’ve began a sacred rage ritual, working some energy somatically out of my body. I’ve felt like the fillings are going to fall out of my head due to the construction of the house next door to my bedroom wall. I’ve had full ass meltdowns because I’m so tired and uncomfortable in the contractions of this growth period.
I was messaging with my shaman the other night and he listed out everything Ive been through, done and accomplished in the last two years. I about shit my pants! No wonder I’m so tired…
He then said to me, “Honey if thats ALL youve done lately then you get to have a little break. You. Are. Worthy.”
and I burst into tears. He was absolutely right.. it was time for some deep integration and rest. I pleasantly agreed and slept like a baby that night.
Since then I have begin a four-day Tony Robbins immersion training called Wealth Mastery. In true Tony form, it is expanding me in epic proportion and I am realizing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again that growth can be SO uncomfortable!
But then last night after we wrapped another 12-15 hour day, I saw this quote in my teams group chat by none other than the man himself..
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” - Tony Robbins
So after some spiraling word vomit and tantrums this afternoon with a few of my trusted allies, here is what I have for you today:
If you are struggling with just being human, please know you are not alone.
If you are spiraling in uncertainty, please don’t give up. I’ve had lows this week where I’ve messaged my people saying “BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND” even when I know in my heart of hearts I will not actually give up. I just need to have a tantrum for a minute, or lots, so I can release that energy and come back to my truth. And my truth is this, with absolute certainty I can tell you that my mission in life is CANI - Constant + Never-ending Improvement.
Just like Tony said, “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.”
I’m going to keep picking myself up off the floor and learn with each and every melt down that I am becoming more and more comfortable with more and more uncertainty. I am expanding my life every day and that is translating into wealth across my entire existence.
I vow to write again when I am able, especially to share about my other Costa Rica experiences, but I’ve got to get back to Tony now.
I see you.
I honor you.
I love you.
Yours in growth + healing,
xo - M.